Monday, 17 September 2012

Rotten Apple


Contrary to the proverbial excitement brought about by the arrival of yet another iPhone, I remain amongst the minority who find the erotic stimulation some get from splashing out £600 on a thinner upgrade a tad tedious.

I've never been a fan of Apple. They remind me of that jarring yout at school that was good at everything never got in trouble and had all the chicks loving him off. Prick!
I mean yeah, I know the iPhone has stupidly fluid web functionality with limitless app capabilities and immersive visuals but why must everyone get wet over it huh? I've been to households where practically all the electrical gizmo's were Apple branded – Macs, iPads, iPhones & iPods - a fruit store in ones room – iNsane! 

You’re probably sensing a little bitterness and you’re right I am, sour even, Granny smith sour. I remember when SONY dominated the 90’s like this. From Playstation to Walkmans – the electrical giants had customers by the balls (and breasts) legally racketeering precious finances from zombie-loyal consumers. As a result I embodied #teamnoSony so Nintendo and Sennheiser were my brands with my Sony Ericsson W810i being the only exception, but then again it was half Ericsson making it mixed race and not fully Sony so it didn’t count.

Why Hater?

So why do I revile Apple so much? Firstly those TV ads; irritatingly idyllic white settings showcasing the product whilst that annoyingly catchy tune plays over the guy going 'all on your iPhone'. It’s the simplicity of everything, how is something so advanced made to appear so effortlessly simple? Can't they run around doing sign-language like those phones4u people.
Then their fan base - take these rancorous fans for starters who took time from their not-so-busy schedules to graph visual disses on a Samsung ad that mocked the iPhone 5. Are Apple paying these Homosapiens though? Donkey behaviour! Considering that $bn lawsuit they hit Samsung with, they really should chuck em a couple stripper dollars for a good show. It’s this die-hard and vivacious attitude that gets me. Ask an iPhone/iPad user why they have one and they’ll look into your eyes with love and start preaching like those Potter House youths outside Whitgift Centre on a Thursday evening. They draw your attention casually flicking that their silly finger like they’re flicking a chunk of bogey to show off its features - 'It’s just sooo smooth' – like its Nivea in their hand KMT. And when they fail to convince the stubborn goat that I am, they ask why I’m fighting it DPMO!

I've long despised dominance of a sole individual, team or organisation and it’s no different here. I'm an economist, monopolies hinder competition and growth. Until this mass hysteria about Facetime and apps that tell you when your next period is due (*Apple ad voiceover voice* Yes there's an App for that) dies down I’ll continue to fly the banner for #TeamOrange.