Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Lifelong Bachelor = Selfish bastard | Part I



Jee wizz, its been over deux-months since I bucked on my blog - I see the mould forming and the content's starting to stink, begging for some new material. Don't worry I'm back with a nu J.O.B, nu money (if not temporarily) and a rather contentious topic to bring to the table of hot Fofo and Okro soup.

As u may not know, I've NEVER had a chick aka never been in a relationship, never had a wifey, no main-squeeze, no sugar dumpling, no stew in my rice (hang tight my AF's for that one). Note to reader: I AM 100% hetero, no homo (or "No Bruno" which seems to b the new one these days). So yeah, I've never been in a relationship - course I've done a little window shopping and in some cases even tried the clothes on, but for one reason or the other I've never made that all important purchase. I can see some of u looking a little puzzled by the odd personification so I'll dissect it into layman's terms for you.


This is a M, I need a L!!!

You know them ones where the garment looks on point but it just don't fit your physique - either too tight or too baggy, too long or too short. This is symbolic of all those females who on outward appearance are doing alot, but their personality ain't in sync with yours - nothing in common, too many differences with no middle-ground, nothing to talk about. This is that "awkward silence" date. My advise is to put her Back On The Rack nicely and continue looking. NEXT

What's that stain?

Now you've seen a jumper that fits perfectly, reasonably priced and looks on point. Then you see one stupid tear or brown smudge that just PARS the whole outfit. These garms refer to pretty chicks with nice enough personalities but suspect track records. You know the one your boy has worn before or others have run through - sloppy seconds I believe the term is. She may be termed as 'loose' or more pleasantly 'everyone's friend'. KMT - Never get involved with these ones, get left in the changing room straight.

But Mum, it looks swag!!

*African accent* "Ah ah, £4 for this sheert, go and try it on". You know them ones where you've followed your marj shopping hoping to get some new kicks and you end up in Peacocks (hang tight those who know) looking for a new shirt for church. These garms fit and all, but they just look frass!!! No prizes for guessing which girls come into this category. Shes usually lovely, her personality on point, she can probably whip up a mean Jollof rice and chicken and your family love her but I'm gonna put it like this - she lacks good facial stylistics when it comes to the aesthetic dept; I ain't physically attracted to them. That initial attraction is important - whoever told you otherwise is trying to shegg you, no long!! And you're there wondering why the cosmetics industry never declines even in recession!! True say if I never find my perfect fit, these type of girls are my alternatives - I guess as u grow older u become less superficial but for now, just make sure you keep the receipt!!

Those with expensive taste

So you're about to try on that new cardigan from that new boutique everyones talking about. It fits to a tee and its just raised your stylistics points by a good 80%. More importantly its got those all important letters inscribed in the crest; G U C C I - then you check the prices tag (£1700) Jeeeeez. Now these are what I like to call the "Gukki chicks". All your friends, companions and family alike rate her no less than a 9 - shes WeeeeennnnnGGGG!! Shes "Fully Comp", "Highly recommended" and "Globally Endorsed". There's almost an inferiority complex that sets in, making you feel shes outta ur league. With the looks, comes the attention (esp. from the champus poppers, celebs etc) and the cost of maintaining her presence in your phone book let alone your arm. These girls would b nice to have (preferably as a trophy on your mantlepiece) but the financial investment reduces the likelihood of anything sustainable. Ill just take a picture of the cardigan - "Maybe one day" and Vamoose!!!

Nike trakky - in grey!

Now you know you're a little too old to be rocking them tracksuit bottoms but they look ill. It might fit fine but you shouldn't b wearing them at your age. This refers to the band of chicks who you're thinking are grown when really you could go pen for getting too adventurous in their playground. Attractive young girls who will be head-turners in future, but I beg you just turn your head - this ain't even a long ting. Put the tracky back on the rack and if you leave JD quietly enough, no one will even know you tried them on.

I should've bought it

You've seen a jacket that fits and looks good but you've decided not to go through with the purchase because you've got something similar at home. You get home and start cursing the day you even left the store without it. These are the "friend-2-lover" girls or the "Brown Sugar" ting - most mandem have or have had one. You know the one where you know you gotta keep it strictly platonic but you start checking her back-off a little too long or look into her eyes a little too meaningfully. She gets a man and you start catching feelings but cant show it. In the end you usually pass up on an opportunity to take things further with these types cause you fear deading the friendship. I don't know where to stand with these ones - huge risk if you try and flop but bun living a lie - no regrets is my policy. Return to make that purchase if u need to.

Check my new purchase

This is one that fits all the right criteria - its looks good, compliments your figure and is within your financial limits. I ain't been looking hard for it but I'm hard pressed for a new wardrobe...will I ever find "my size"? I'm on this journey to find out esp when marriage ain't even looking likely for moi *cue Gasps*
Lifelong Bachelor = Selfish bastard | Part II...The Conclusion. Coming...when I feel like it. SooPz

Monday, 12 October 2009

Suicidal Thoughts

You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out. Fine -- but before you kill yourself, consider these facts: Suicide is not usually successful. You know a guaranteed way? Ask the 25yr old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both of his arms are gone.

What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sence of humor. That was before he lept from a building. Now, he's brain damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he knows he used to be normal.

What about pills? Ask the 12yr old with extensice liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.

What about a gun? Ask the 24yd old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. But .. who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse the job -- but someone has to do it. Who will cut you down from where you hung yourself, or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your sister or brother? The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will never completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.

Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. You do have other choices. There are people you can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you there's hope. Maybe in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. You say you don't want to be stopped?

Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left. If you are reading this, steal it and put it in your site too. If you're seriously considering this permanent solution to a temporary problem, please find help. This isn't the way to go, you may think that everyone would just be better off without you, but have you ever seen a family who has lost a loved one to suicide? They're messed up, the parents usually get divorced, the siblings never talk to each other. This not only ends your life, it changes the lives of others around you, but not in a good way. There are people who love you, and people who have been through the same things as you, even though it may not seem like it at times.

So please, seek help. & I hope you have realized ;; Suicide's not the way out. There are so many other safer ways of dealing with your problems. Maybe you think it's easier to just die. But think of what you are giving up!!!. You're leaving your family, friends, and all the people who care about you and love you. And maybe you're not even that old yet, you have to experience life, find true love, that kind of stuff. Killing yourself isn't going to help. That's just running away from your problems, it's not solving anything, it's not making it better.

I know I can't convince you to not commit suicide, but just please think about everything a little before you do anything. There's always someone who will be there for you to talk things through even if it seems like no one is there for you. Everything will get better, and it will be okay. So whenever you are going to pick up that knife, E-Pill or PP7, just think about all the people you are leaving behind, all the memories, and all the good times. I guess sometimes everybody feels like they want to die at lease once in their life. And you think there is no other way, just read this over. Remember: You live to have fun, and joke around ;; Not to be depressed. I know depression isn't an easy thing to get over, but it is possible. Its your choice...........I've done my part........it's now time for you 2 do yours!!

Unknown source

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

I up da Levz!!!

Aint gon chat too much on dis one. Just gotta expose da new opening title screen for
any short films I propose on doin. It aint exactly professh but I've definitely upped da levels frm da last one I did. DO NOT WATCH DIS SPACE though...I have no idea of where I intend to take dis ting.

video

1nnerz

Monday, 17 August 2009

Forget Swine Flu...There's a new virus!!!

Aiight so everyone is familiar with all da hype surrounding swine flu, its effects and how many people its killed and will kill etc. Today Im here to tell u 2 bun wot u've heard & keep ur eyes & ears to da street (or to ur screens at least) coz there's a new virus about to hit. Da good news is dat it doesnt kill physically. Instead it kills appearance-wise and not in a positive way.

Ill start by defining da word virus. The free dictionary (big up Farlex) says its "Something that poisons one's soul or mind" in that it has clouded the mind of our females into thinkin' its not an option but the ONLY option for their headpieces as its and I quote "easier to manage". Now we know how weave has wormed its way into our females (mostly BLACK) top 5 most essential adornment list. Ive got into countless arguments about y u gurls need it so much n got berated for voicing my opinions. You stress dat the variety of styles and easy maintenance has proven a worthy alternative to keepin hair natural as its time-consuming etc. Personally, I call it laziness *cue the female boos*. Da euphoria about it is mad doe. Ppl who used 2 kick da natural plaits & twists r now being converted onto da weave-side. It pierced my ego to see my younger sister who previously denounced da use of weave, now acting as the chief advocate for why its "sooooo GOOD".

I'm not convinced but I've learnt to live in tolerance (after taking some anti-virus) for dat entity u girls attach to your scalps. Please dont construe this rant as an attack on "the weave"; im simply an advocate for the natural look (who am i kidding; it is. lol). On occasions, I've commended how nice weaves looked on some of u (Monique can testify to this). However this is NOT the problem at hand. The weave virus has now evolved into something more serious, more hideous and dare I say it, outright STUPID. Ladies and Gentleman I introduce to you the new virus |EYEBROW WEAVE!!! YES weave for a woman's eyebrow. Da concept is incomprehensible but for Ye of little faith - CHECK DA EVIDENCE.


How u gon?!?!?.....I dnt even wanna get started. To all my female friends, colleagues and associates please prevent yourselves from this infection of stupidity by trusting in your common sense when it tells you "this is retarded". I know dis is in da U.S but im just waiting to see da first victim over here in da UK. I can see it all now..."I paid good money fo' dem eyebrows". Every girl aint blessed with naturally luscious hair so weave I guess is acceptable but eyebrows? Sheesh datz where I draw da line.

LOOOOOOOL On a lighter note though u know I got love for all u ladies - Weave or Weave-less. "PAT UR WEAVE"(T-shirts are still available). As for da man dem remember: Judge a woman by the cunning of her intellect not the brand of her hairpiece!!!!

RATN: The answer to the last blog brain-teaser: There are just 3 out to lunch - Grandmother, Mother and Daughter!!!

1nnerz

Monday, 3 August 2009

Da Beginning of an Unknown Era




So after much deliberation, consideration and encouragation (not real english but had to keep the "-ation" consistent) I've decided to launch AK-IB Creative (Pron: AKiBi as if ur about to say Akey but den adding ibi as if ur saying I and B seperately).

It started leisurely leisurely, creating graphics in my spare time or whenever I felt inspired. Aint gonna lie, my initial material was swaggaless but as with most tings in life, u improve as you go along honing ur skills and learning new tings. I've NEVER charged for any materials be it graphics, posters, logos etc. I do it for da luv of it, like if i was i pro footballer I wouldnt pet 2 play 4 free coz I luv da sport ya c it. Same ting wit dis; despite offers of £70+ (I kno i must b off my rocker) I declined coz I do it out of enjoyment not labour....if i get paid 4 it, it becomes work n im not on dat tip right about now. Why I set up dis lil organisation doe is dat I felt to provide a legimate interface between myself n potential clients. Da movement has a face now, an identity, a logo. Don't know where it'll take me or if its jus a short-term ting but a kids definitely gon b around to find out.

BlesSONGS!!!

P Esquire

RATN: 2 Mums and 2 Daughters went to lunch. It cost 10 pounds per person. The bill came to 30 pounds. Hows is that possible?

Answer in da nxt blog bloggaz & bloggettes!!!

Friday, 10 July 2009

*Farts Excessively*

Ahhhhhhhhhh....

Salutations

Man I aint passed wind on dis blog for a minute so I had to re-dedicate it accordingly. If dis blog woz a child, social services would've removed it for parental negligience. Minor doe. Good 2 grace da page again. As u may not know im officially a graduate (hold tight da special graduate edition nxt week). Man can only b thankful 2 God cah. Da sweat & tears...ok mayb not tears i aint cried 4 about 8 years but definitely sticky sweat and stress dealin with dat dissertation....& my pups response..."Ahh so on to do a masters now yes?" Hmmm. Parents and their Rhetorics. Dey dnt expect *passes gas*. Hmmm excuse me...dat garlic bread boi...Oh wotz woz i sayin.....oh yh....Parents dnt expect a response other than wot they WANT to hear. Bless dem doe.

In other happeninnings (deliberate spelling 4 all u fast 1z), Mo celebrated her 22nd in central. Didnt start of too well but tingz smartened up towards da end. Ohh n da Wall, 2:45am lock-off???? They must not have got da memo!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MO-TOWN!!



*Passes wind*

*clocks da foul odour*

Blessingz doe ppl mother Nature calls

1nnerz

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Am I Wrong?

Aiight, bit of a dilema here. I got a bredren of mine who recently...errm..'came out da closet' bout his sexuality. Now bes believe I was nothin less dan shocked 2 find out my guy preferred Adam to Amanda coz on 1st looks u wuld neva have guessed. Dis breh is always on da baggy jeans/hoodie outlook so I didnt suspekt a ting *Cue "bad day" by Bizzare'. So man aint gon lie, Im feelin a lil cautious bout my manz approach n ting n he's clocked my shadiness round him but am i wrong to react lyk dis seein as he is my bredren? Should I 'accept' him 4 who he is? Why is it I can hear a resounding NO in da virtual background. Looks lyk u lot aint gon b of help - gon have 2 fathorm dis one out me-self. Sheesh

Its a Mad 1.

1nnerz

RATN: I encountered one of these brave pigeons the other day. U kno da ones dat won't pay ur size 10 Air force 1 no mind if their food is in close proximity. Dnt dey realise one swipe of my left-foot can discombobolate their brain and reduce their body into a feather jacket instantly? B4 pigeons dare not step within a meter of u. Now u can bop with one literally on ur footwear. Malfunctional behavior. They're growing wings - literally & figuratively. Anyhow, I jus clocked dat I've never actually seen a Baby Pigeon!!! Have u? Has anyone? Something to ponder on

Thursday, 21 May 2009

New Look | New Track | New Improvements

Thought da page needed a revamp so I've enlightened my blog-face....literally. Oh n check my latest track - My Town. A ballad emphasising da way of life in da area of London I reside in. Dnt watch da fact dat im chronically off-beat on several occasions - datz da pressure of tryn 2 finish in 30mins 2 avoid extortionate studio costs n 1-takin errrting. Shheeesh

video


Da Lyrics (for those who find my nasals inaudible)


[Speaking]


Youtz in souf deze dayz


Hmmm


Mandem r breathing


But they aint got no heart (echo)




[Speaking]


Dis ones Malfunctional


AK-IB


Just thoughts on mind


2009 [Ha echo]


-------------------------------


Once upon a time


In a place we called south


Where youts run around


Put barrels in ur mout


In a SW, SE, ORGY


9mm Guns get popped [pause] daily


Rememba school days


were da best days


fight one day


cool da nxt day


deze dayz


if some1 says u chat shit


dey wont hestitate to take ur life quik


evn girls


aint safe


no more


i swear down


if u


get chirped


and say no i swear down


they’ll make u lie down on da ground


send u 2 ur maker (Huh)


for not givin ur number (kmt)


Whats the story


Brixton glory


Disagreement


And shit gets


gory


u Think u aint shook


Betta not to get caught


Get popped in ur brain


So they see your true thoughts


Back in my day


mario was da way


Now youtz play GTA


Literally (Shit)


Give em a bill


And they will


kill at will


Jack u naked


Take ur doe too


Its emoshnal


U can


stack


big money in my ends


when shotting Cocaine starts to pay dividends


Oh,


u didn’t think shits lucrative


like dat


Dis kid


17


copped a brand new A3


Who shot larry


They said they shot larry


He Used to jack heads


Now he’s got holes in his


You take from da streets


Da streets gon take u


Dat how shit goes down


In my part of town


My lyric game has always been on point its jus da delivery datz slacking. I am improvin doe...whether dat matters or not is questionable coz I aint takin dis music ting seriously. Maybe I suld ghost-write...Hmmm.
Anyways, my Photoshop game is also hitting player of da year status. I rememba da dayz I wuld ask hedz 2 teach me n dey wuld air me lyk Nikes. Datz y i concur wit da term D.I.Y coz I believe ur da best teacher when u endeavour 2 grasp a concept urself. Anyways, erez one of my latest ones (NB it aint finished)


Went a bit mad wit da colours but bwoi its an experimental ting. Never underestimate ur abilities - Im Talentless not coz I have no talent but bcoz I refuse to place a limit on da talents I possess.

1nnerz

RATN: People r gettin saved n im still ere on a 'nominal' christian tip. I've been saved b4 but backslid & I guess dat "7 Demon theory" applied coz Ive found it hard gettin bak 2 God. I pray 4 God's mercy maaaayn!!!

Dunn Dis Ting

SooooooooooooooooooooPz

So da boy, da kid, da adolescene, da pekin has finally clocked dis degree ting (retakes permitting). I really suldn't b opening my dry lips proclaiming 2 accomplish suttum most ppl have dunn n dusted already but bwoooooooooiii im goin to anyway.

Its been an emotional journey; a rollercoaster in fact (say Nemesis @ Thorpe Park). I can remember wen I checked into IslamaBRAD; 25th September 2005 strugglin 2 count @ least 5 black hedz - Jus Asiana - I mean where else in da UK can u say Caucasians were the 'ethnic minority'. But yh my 1st halls - Dennis Bellamy aka DBH. I was greeted wit 27 dead flies on my bed (yes i counted dem), a broken window and 4 showers between 27 ppl (not lidge). Da term blessin in disguish really comes into its own on dis one coz its ere I met all da originals I now class as da 'inner circul'. Got nuff luv 4 alla u lot man swear dwn. Frm 'sweet-boi' Sam, 2 dillusional Rimpz, 'rented-americana' Mikes & Mr 'No Good' Manase - DBH gave birth 2 sum truly authentic characters cah. In hindsight I've enjoyd da laid back lifestyle, student discounts etc of my student career. U can't but try n reminisce on da memoirs of hustling on bread and ribena, withdrawin ur last score of ur overdraft & pointlessly dozing in dem double period lectures. Dey say deze r da best years of ur life & i concur although da final years I was jus lookin 2 scatter frm uni. On da whole, I've learnt da art of 'hustlin' (aka da cool term for STRUGGLIN) but simulataneously aggrevated my understanding of 'Females' for da worse. Im not evn gonna go in2 dat but Uni, University, student life, Chronic Debt-accumulator or woteva u wanna call it, has been suttum. I've met ppl I kno Ill soldier on wit 4 decades to cum; others have fallen by da wayside but boi da way i see it - in 05 i knew u not and in '09 in still dont so really whose lost? Not me coz im a winner like Twista (Note 2 self - wheres dat dude man? Sheesh). Da culture of responsibility has moulded me into a better if not a more learned individual. So whats da outcome? Living expenses: £12,774; Accomodation Costs: £9,893; Graduation package: £230; Student loan debt: £10,000; Da University experience: FACKING PRICELESS!!!

Friday, 1 May 2009

Phillip: Double-P & Two L's

Sheesh,

Wotz "Goodas fi dem?" (I kno it dnt make sense but wot did I tell u bout criticising my reasoning)

Its come 2 my attention dat da appearance of my government name has been da source of confusion - One XX chromosome tried sum nxt remix omitting da L lyk she gave birth 2 man; truly malfunktional behaviour. Lemme re-iterate it aint hard; Double P & Two L's - PhiLLiP not Philip or Phillipp or Phillippe or Philipe or Philly (Ayia Napa remix - I.J). Da fakest edition has 2 b "Fhillip" doe - An F ya kna - might as well call me Filbert!!! I dnt kno how u'd cope if i adopted one of my konk african names - EKOMXXXXXXXXXXXXPONG!!!

In other news, da IslamaBRAD chronicles r almost dunn. 3 YEARS CAH - & to think manz been slewing the BD vicinity from da DEAD-icity of da city centre to da Need for Speed (Bradford edition) whip parked on Great Horton dealin whites whilst blazin Pac - "All eyez on me" track 6 - Im slyly gon miss dis mofo. Tribute-blog edition soon come.

As for now man needs 2 get back 2 dis disso (we agreed 2 go our seperate ways May 6th) so im spendin as much time wit her as possible. Spotlight on da familiarz dat hit Korporate Affair; Osei, Skillz, Amilz, J, Rimpz, Mo, Sydenham-S, Bel, OX, Mr CL, K-Pawa & Otherz - its was an emotional affair!!

Defintion: I.J - Inside Joke
XX-Chromosome - A female (for those whose parents didnt sign their "sex-education" permission slip)

-1nnerz-

RATN

Dnt u find dat White Zimmy chick dat works @ Jackson a lil too cody-lyk. Maybe shez lig but I've put her on suspekt status 8 (10 being da highest) pending further investigation

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Didnt see dat coming!!

Sheesh,

Today i was subjected to a moment of blushing amusement. I found myself in da L24 (exclusivity) computer suite doin dis flippin disso (she really is pwissin me off - I plan to dump her on May 6th...Ssshh dnt tell her). Sittin at a 90 degree angle 2 myself was dis AZ (pronounced seperately Def: Short hand for asian - imma include these definitions for da purpose of u un-deciphered, fake anglais readers). I spot her tryn 2 make sly glances in my eye corner of (y do africans luv doin dat? - remixing da order of words in sentences!!!). Dunno if she was observing my work or jus baffled at how long my nose was for a black bredda. Anyways, I see my girl whip out her iPod like u do. Then suddenly suddenly *cue D'banj* man must've herd "Wen i said to you..". I had 2 clear my ears out 2 confirm i wasn't hearing thingz - cnt lie its been a while: note to self - buy cotton buds, *clears throat*. Then i must've herd "lie lie". WHAT!!! Nah blud. I check the best before date on the red bull i was meticulously consuming - 04/10/2010; Couldnt b dat.
She then realised i was clockin on and turned up the volume to confirm my suspicions (whilst tryna impress man wiv her "eccletic" taste in music - its like me having bangra as my ringtone)...."Olufunmi Ohhhh....la la la la na na" man cnt sing but u kno dat rest. An asian chick, in Bradford, listening 2 Styl Plus. Social ideals r seriously being backhanded, shanked and shot in da head coz i really didnt see dat cumin. I wonder who evn exposed her to such - Then again da black population in Bradz is gettin emotional....I remember...wait datz nxt blog material. But yh, social stereotypes/ideal r being smashed-up nicely. Take da chick (i mean snr citizen) on BGT (Britains Got [no] Talent). Now dnt lie, wen u saw her.... 1st impressions? ermm...erhhh...."I knew she was gonna b a good singe..." AHHHHH shut ur whole face. U kno u culd imagine her in Elephant & Castle subways buskin 4 change. But den her voice.......its was like watching ur team come back from 3-0 down to win 4-3 in the last ten minutes, or da smell of Jelloff in ur nose wen ur famished......its was like beauty & da beast, Jeykll & Hyde, Heaven n hell, Poppadoms & Egosi, Ms ***** off and on her period, Armpit Hair & Puss....Oi imma stop there; u get my drift. Her performance inspired me n alot of others cah. Jus goes to sho u suld neva judge a girl by da colour of her weave...or suttum 2 dat effect.

1nnerz

Afta sum blogs, I'll include dis RATN (relax and take note) sektion 4 any random observations i make. So boi lemme set it off wit dis one.

RATN - Why do these post-graduate uncles look @ u lyk dey kno ur father? I mean da one I saw 2day didnt say anything but jus had dat "Kmt...I will report u 2 ur fadda" look on his discombobulated facial.

Slightly Malfunktional

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Look whose ere >>>>


To my Father:
1st & foremost thank u Jesus 4 another day/night; simply having the ability to inhale *inhales* & exhale *exhales* is a blessing. I kno I aint nowhere near where I need 2 b wit u, but I pray 4 ur grace 2 eventually see me thru dis "Nominal christian" period im goin thru - its NOT a gud luk.

Disclaimer:
I dnt promote tings like dis so if ur reading dis, it woz ur destiny to do so!!! What u see here doesn't have 2 stay here but how u take it is ur personal pie - I cannot be held responsible for any comical innuedos or offense caused (my lawyer told me to include dis - Im covered blud lol)

To YOUUUUUU: *Cue Souljah Boy"
So, I've finally subjected myself to da term 'blogger'. Im a wasteman for dat seein as I used 2 gun my boi for jumpin on dis blogging-skankerz ting (im workin on a tune 4 dat - Oh an watch out 4 "Pat Ur Weave!!! Track cumin real soonoz!!!).

But yeah, dis is me. Fought millions of potential siblings to get 2 dat egg first, came out da womb & heres da outcome. Marj named me ******* ****** (if all u can see is asterisks download da necessary decryption software @ www.udontneed2knowupum.co.uk). I do go by a host of other aliases - AKWA-IBOY
(or AK-IB - u see i took da 1st two letters, I...mean...da A and...ahh 4get it) its a play on the location AKWA-IBOM in Nigeria - No we aint Igbo or Yoruba but we do eat dogs - my pups admitted it, not me though, *back 2 da list* Yello Kid, Regulation Boi (Beckz & Lady B), Mr Burns (my white-man nose), Vaporz, Griminal, N(click)Duoyo (originator unknown), Scrooge (Leanne get @ me man, I miss ur mad-self), Egg etc.

So what about me? I? Myself? My being? This 6ft compilation of flesh, bones and miscellaneous cells? *gettin too xcited, he composes himself* I'd like 2 think I'm a laid-back guy - not really da one 2 initiate chatter (I dnt talk much coz I've heard too much) but from time to time im boring at times, loud at times, quiet at times, hungry (several connotations 4 this term) at times, a prick at times, shook at times, pissed at times, loving at times, violent a few times (ask Leon from STAC) but guaranteed to always be on time *cue Ashanti* (if im not den its due 2 unforeseen circumstances i.e. Waiting 4 [black usually] ppl dem) . Oh ive been dubbed...errrhh..."Anti-social"; and I agree, I am. However sum take my stern approach for stooshness, arrogance, 'thinkz-hez-toonice-ness" but in all honesty ppl (namely females) have been shocked 2 find dat I'm ayt wen dey get 2 kno me. In uni alone u dnt kno how many "ur aiight u kno" "I never knew u wer so dwn 2 earth u kno" "I thought u wer stoosh u kno" comments I've received - its emosh!!.
So erez da P Guarantee - if u see me on road, raving, bathing (not really but i needed 2 make it rhyme), in rain, sleet, snow, fog, sun-frost, richmond wind-gales (bradford exclusive right there) and u get @ me, I will NOT and repeat will not "Tyson" u if ur a breh or "Chris Brown" u if ur a chick (screwface'n'all).
*Turns off Always on time*

So yh im hearin u ask wotz wiv da abstract title. "A Posteriori" (for those of u who didnt take ethics) refers to knowledge based on experiences and empirical evidence. So my account will detail my perspective on life based on REAL experiences & how these have helped mould my perceptions on various aspects of life; whether good, bad or straight-up frass ya see it.
So dat woz ur induction (no free gifts, apologies) A POSTERIORI PERSPECTIVE: Get-2-Know

1st Blog dunn

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Note-2-Reader: Dis aint no dissertation or course essay for u to be watching da poor grammar/english/abusive use of slang etc - it's a necessary evil.