Saturday, 4 December 2010

Have you seen my white chick?



"I'm looking for my white chick, have you seen her?" – Words of Youngs Teflon. Whether this pays reference to crack cocaine personified as his white chick or indeed a fine ivory specimen is of little importance – I've got a sty in my eye that I need to get out and I'm making it everyone’s business.

White chick prophecy

Speaking recently to a female friend of mine, we got talking about our futures and amongst the euphoria; the topic void of an expiry date - marriage. My girl took exception to my prospective wifey and in no uncertain terms she exclaimed bluntly: "You're gonna settle down with a white chick". At this point I'm 'Doh-ing!' in my mind like a certain Mr Simpson. She continued with her prophecy: "It's the way you come across…you won't be able to handle a black girl". And with that I was left pondering - is it because I'm too nice? (personally not facially). True say this isn't the first time I've heard those collection of words strung together in a malicious sentence of verbal punch and kicks, intended to wound my self-esteem and fracture my ego.
Side thought: My preference for blackberry pie is too strong to see myself revert to the apple variant especially since I've long been a member of the anti-apple association as Mr Legz denotes. Don't get me wrong white and asian chicks are leng as well, I just prefer mi chocolate. I slyly think it's because I'm a lighty – prejudicial?
Now my friend (bless her dry hands) perceives me to be a walkover and completely incapable of handling a 'FOBO' (Female Of Black Origin). Why? Well the modern day deterrent of being "too much of a nice guy" was highlighted when we got into a heated debate about how to approach arguments. Me, being the nonchalant character I am, said I'll simply give my girl air if she try argue any nonsense. Make her feel stupid and hopefully she realises the error of her ways and cooks me a make-up meal (preferably jollof).
On the contrary, my famette (female version of fam) retaliated and made it quite clear a man should argue back, show whose boss and the one in control.

Side thought: And they wonder why domestic violence is on the rise.
She essentially deemed my approach to be that of a pussy'ole and that a black girl would 'finish me' if I tried play the silent treatment strategy hence why she believes a white girl would suit me more (perhaps because they're 'easier', more tolerant and in her eyes, pose a lesser threat to my safety!).
True say I felt like giving her a headbutt – a friendly one (no Chris Breezy), but is this portrayal of the 'FOBO' she refers to, a cliched stereotype or a true reflection? Surely the days of the loud and obnoxious Waverley girls on Bus 63 are long gone – or maybe not.

Black man scorned


I remember the outcry back in 2006 after a Vanessa Feltz radio phone in on 'Black men who hate black women'. Some black breddah (hold tight a certain someones cousin) came on to air his views on why he didn't like black girls. Not gonna lie, he dished the insults differently - if you haven't you need to listen (disclaimer: I am not responsible for this dudes views!). Amongst deeming them 'bitter' and 'repulsive', he went on to say that they were obese, had stinking attitudes and 'weren't as attractive' as white girls. Even in discussion with one black breddah at uni as to why he didn't go for black chicks and he said something similar but added the element of stooshness and being 'too hard to handle' – maybe my girl had a point!


She's stoosh, and what!

Black women have long conveyed an image of strength with little or no tolerance for nonsense (refer to mumzie) and are usually branded 'stoosh' (that's "stuck up" for any white, asian or black folk raised in a NUEES - Non-Urban Environment of Ethnic Scarcity) in comparison to their Caucasian counterparts. I presume in her eyes, to keep a FOBO's exuberance in check, a man needs to exert an equal and opposite approach if he doesn't want to get overpowered. That's street for: If the bitch mouth keeps going, the belt will start showing!

Side thought: Some any Newton's law analogy there – might as well put it to good use as I haven't had use for it since Dr Roshan's classes all them years ago (wonder where she is these days...).
Obviously this blanket doesn't cover every girl with a rich dose of melanin in her skin but I see where my outspoken acquaintance is coming from. If anything, it's exactly what makes FOBO's so appealing (to me anyway). I like a challenge – it's like winning (if I succeed that is). It feels good either way but you obtain greater satisfaction from winning something you've really had to work hard for, than a victory that's been 'given to you on a plate'. I always remember thinking – if a girl is willing to give it up so easy for me, she's probably willing to do the same for another dude - and no guy wants to wifey that kind of girl regardless of skin colour.
You tend to find (but not always) that girls that are harder to crack, acknowledge their worth (cue A Woman's worth by Miss Keys or Mrs Swiss Beatz for those with an eye for detail) in a sense if one is to approach them, what is usually deemed 'stooshness' is simply their way of saying "if you want this, you're gonna have to work for it" (either that or "you ain't on my level Nigga!" – or a man of any other race for that matter). And even after working for it, you're required to maintain it - cue the term 'high maintenance'. A strong woman needs an equally or even stronger man to match her robust characteristics if the man is to keep hold of the 'trouser rights' in the household. However, the assurance you get from knowing your girl is now loyal to you and the likelihood of infidelity is zilch, is a welcomed feeling.

Not so different

Where my girl made it clear that a breddah has to know how to control a black girl by not having it may hold substance to some degree, it's not the be all and end all – after all, any sane female looking for a long term relationship and eventually a husband, is looking for a lover not a master. It's funny because another friend made it quite clear that if she hits her man, she fully expects him to backhand her with interest. I listened with raised eyebrows as she eloquently explained how girls try to hide behind the 'can't hit a woman' fa├žade, regurgitating reckless insults and abuse and basically provoking men to a stage where it becomes embarrassing to tolerate anymore! I digress.
In truth FOBOs are not all that different to white or asian girls in the sense they still demand the fundamentals of a good relationship. I don't believe any guy should need to rule with an iron fist to garner respect from his woman. Simply exhibit the fundamentals; love, care and understanding, add a hint of personality and sprinkle a little ruggedness to show you can handle your own and any self-respecting female let alone FOBO, will respond favourably. A dose of affection melts even the hardest hearts, so if you're a FOBO or any female for that matter still thinking "Nah, you need to show more than love to handle all this", I've got Chris Brown's number for you if Tyson or Ike Turner aren't available.
So in essence, have you seen my white chick? No, well me neither because I weren't really looking for her but I've had hints from individuals suggesting I really should be. To be honest, I've only got chocolate and caramel skin-christened sisters on my radar but such is fate, it wouldn't surprise me if I jinxed myself and Cathy Commons came knocking: "you asked for me?" Hmmm...