Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Lifelong Bachelor = Selfish bastard | Part I

Jee wizz, its been over deux-months since I bucked on my blog - I see the mould forming and the content's starting to stink, begging for some new material. Don't worry I'm back with a nu J.O.B, nu money (if not temporarily) and a rather contentious topic to bring to the table of hot Fofo and Okro soup.

As u may not know, I've NEVER had a chick aka never been in a relationship, never had a wifey, no main-squeeze, no sugar dumpling, no stew in my rice (hang tight my AF's for that one). Note to reader: I AM 100% hetero, no homo (or "No Bruno" which seems to b the new one these days). So yeah, I've never been in a relationship - course I've done a little window shopping and in some cases even tried the clothes on, but for one reason or the other I've never made that all important purchase. I can see some of u looking a little puzzled by the odd personification so I'll dissect it into layman's terms for you.

This is a M, I need a L!!!

You know them ones where the garment looks on point but it just don't fit your physique - either too tight or too baggy, too long or too short. This is symbolic of all those females who on outward appearance are doing alot, but their personality ain't in sync with yours - nothing in common, too many differences with no middle-ground, nothing to talk about. This is that "awkward silence" date. My advise is to put her Back On The Rack nicely and continue looking. NEXT

What's that stain?

Now you've seen a jumper that fits perfectly, reasonably priced and looks on point. Then you see one stupid tear or brown smudge that just PARS the whole outfit. These garms refer to pretty chicks with nice enough personalities but suspect track records. You know the one your boy has worn before or others have run through - sloppy seconds I believe the term is. She may be termed as 'loose' or more pleasantly 'everyone's friend'. KMT - Never get involved with these ones, get left in the changing room straight.

But Mum, it looks swag!!

*African accent* "Ah ah, £4 for this sheert, go and try it on". You know them ones where you've followed your marj shopping hoping to get some new kicks and you end up in Peacocks (hang tight those who know) looking for a new shirt for church. These garms fit and all, but they just look frass!!! No prizes for guessing which girls come into this category. Shes usually lovely, her personality on point, she can probably whip up a mean Jollof rice and chicken and your family love her but I'm gonna put it like this - she lacks good facial stylistics when it comes to the aesthetic dept; I ain't physically attracted to them. That initial attraction is important - whoever told you otherwise is trying to shegg you, no long!! And you're there wondering why the cosmetics industry never declines even in recession!! True say if I never find my perfect fit, these type of girls are my alternatives - I guess as u grow older u become less superficial but for now, just make sure you keep the receipt!!

Those with expensive taste

So you're about to try on that new cardigan from that new boutique everyones talking about. It fits to a tee and its just raised your stylistics points by a good 80%. More importantly its got those all important letters inscribed in the crest; G U C C I - then you check the prices tag (£1700) Jeeeeez. Now these are what I like to call the "Gukki chicks". All your friends, companions and family alike rate her no less than a 9 - shes WeeeeennnnnGGGG!! Shes "Fully Comp", "Highly recommended" and "Globally Endorsed". There's almost an inferiority complex that sets in, making you feel shes outta ur league. With the looks, comes the attention (esp. from the champus poppers, celebs etc) and the cost of maintaining her presence in your phone book let alone your arm. These girls would b nice to have (preferably as a trophy on your mantlepiece) but the financial investment reduces the likelihood of anything sustainable. Ill just take a picture of the cardigan - "Maybe one day" and Vamoose!!!

Nike trakky - in grey!

Now you know you're a little too old to be rocking them tracksuit bottoms but they look ill. It might fit fine but you shouldn't b wearing them at your age. This refers to the band of chicks who you're thinking are grown when really you could go pen for getting too adventurous in their playground. Attractive young girls who will be head-turners in future, but I beg you just turn your head - this ain't even a long ting. Put the tracky back on the rack and if you leave JD quietly enough, no one will even know you tried them on.

I should've bought it

You've seen a jacket that fits and looks good but you've decided not to go through with the purchase because you've got something similar at home. You get home and start cursing the day you even left the store without it. These are the "friend-2-lover" girls or the "Brown Sugar" ting - most mandem have or have had one. You know the one where you know you gotta keep it strictly platonic but you start checking her back-off a little too long or look into her eyes a little too meaningfully. She gets a man and you start catching feelings but cant show it. In the end you usually pass up on an opportunity to take things further with these types cause you fear deading the friendship. I don't know where to stand with these ones - huge risk if you try and flop but bun living a lie - no regrets is my policy. Return to make that purchase if u need to.

Check my new purchase

This is one that fits all the right criteria - its looks good, compliments your figure and is within your financial limits. I ain't been looking hard for it but I'm hard pressed for a new wardrobe...will I ever find "my size"? I'm on this journey to find out esp when marriage ain't even looking likely for moi *cue Gasps*
Lifelong Bachelor = Selfish bastard | Part II...The Conclusion. Coming...when I feel like it. SooPz